It’s amazing what a week can bring. Monday after writing I felt great, ready to go. Tuesday came and I was depressed. Are you kidding me? Yesterday I was so ready for this great lesson and the very next day I’m scrambling, ready to do anything to get rid of the sorrowful fog I’m lost in. All those well-intentioned ideas go out the window and all I want to do is whatever will make it go away. I don’t want to go into school and volunteer, I don’t want to clean the house, or write. Hell I don’t even want to stand upright in the shower! My head hurts too much. So I take a Jacuzzi. The Jacuzzi tub is the one “extra” we put in when we built our house and I highly recommend it. I make a deal with the man upstairs (I don’t even have the ability to think “universe big” right now) If I get out of the tub before 10 then I will go into school; if I get out after then I will skip. I should mention that I generally take about two hours whenever I take a Jacuzzi. I have to clean the tub, fill it, relax, wash my hair and contemplate the universe. I started the tub at 9:15. There was no way I was going to make it.
I climb in breathing in the steam hoping at least my headache will go away. I focus on my pain, which believe it or not usually makes it run and cower, and I hear; “what do you want?” Easy, I want the depression to go away. “What do you want?” I want my headache to go away. I want to not go anywhere today. I keep going. I want to be happy. I want my husband to not worry so much. I want to finish my book. I want my children to grow up to be good people and I want them to be happy and NOT in trouble. I want to help people. It just keeps going.
Just yesterday I wrote I was ready for the spiritual lesson that would lead me to change my center, to become a person of automatic love and compassion. Do I want that? You know what? I think I do. I don’t expect it to happen overnight. I know I will have to work for it but yeah I think I want to be a person who thinks of others. So this is it right? I found the lesson. I had to choose my own path. Make the conscious decision. I’m done for the week right?
Wrong. So I get out of the tub and it is 9:57. Can you believe it! I didn’t rush, really! It’s 9:57! Grudgingly I get ready to go into school. I pull into the front parking lot; there are never spaces available in the front parking lot and I again hear in my head. “What are the wonders of want?” What? The wonders of want? Are you kidding? Want is not a good thing. Want is about being selfish and only thinking of yourself. I have been trying to teach my children the difference between a want and a need for years. There are no wonders of want! Want is bad. The idea doesn’t leave my head so again I start going through my wants. I think I want to make a difference in the world. I want to feel good, I want to feel successful.
Understanding want has been instrumental in thwarting my depression. Before I became afflicted with postpartum depression, which is how this all started, I had never thought about what I wanted. Now I take the time to figure out what I want to do to rejuvenate in order to be a better mom, a better wife and a better me. Was my last determination to become a person of compassion contradictory to my need to keep my own wants and needs in mind. Ok so the lesson is about balancing wants for others with wants for myself. Ok, do I have the lesson now?
Nope. My husband is going camping this weekend, Cub Scout camping. Do you know what that means? No air conditioning, no bathroom in the next room, and no bed. After carrying and giving birth to five babies my back and bladder are trashed. Being a 40-something woman I am premenopausal and my body runs at a decidedly higher temperature than normal, especially at night. I haven’t slept under the covers in two years. Let me make this clear; I do not want to go tent camping! He wants me to go. I feel guilty and that guilt starts to make me mad and that anger begins to morph into depression which apparently is my emotion of choice, but it’s Father’s Day weekend. I haven’t gotten him anything because I know what he wants most is for me to not spend any money on him and to show him my love and appreciation with my actions. That is the way he is and I do love him for that. So I make a decision. I will go tent camping with him and the kids as his Father’s Day present. Once I made the decision to give that gift the guilt, anger and depression vanished. When I started to stress about the pain I would be in ,or the fact that there was no bathroom that didn’t require shoes, a flashlight and a stick to fend off raccoons and bugs, I would just remind myself that I was doing this for him for Father’s Day. The pain and lack of sleep was just how I was paying for his gift and really it was a small price to pay to show this wonderful man how much I love and appreciate him.
The weekend weather was perfect. We had no running water, a port a potty instead of a bathroom, and lost a day due to a severe thunderstorm warning but I survived. I took two Aleve to prevent my back pain and I woke up every two hours to go to the bathroom or to take a child to the bathroom but again, I survived. At 1 am the practically full moon was high in the sky it made the woods seem almost like day. On the 2am bathroom trip I heard the frogs sing in the nearby lake. During the 4 am trip I heard a whippoorwill for the first time in my life and I was able to note the path the moon had taken since the first bathroom trip. The camp was awake at 6am and so was I. There was a slight breeze coming off the lake (not to mention from the port a potty) and the dew on the grass made my toes wet but I was standing.
We fed 20 boys pancakes and scrambled eggs in baggies and I helped pack up the tent, very motivated to get home to a real bathroom. As I drove away I breathed in the amazing summer air and felt my body’s satisfaction at being outside for a full 24 hours. Sometimes I think our souls crave nature, at least mine anyway. In my mind I planned an outside dinner of cheeseburgers on the grill, my husband’s favorite, and smiled. I hadn’t wanted this; I gave this. It was in that giving I reconnected with my soul and my soul remembered its place in this universe. We are all a part of the same energy, the energy of the earth, the energy of the sky, the energy of the water and the energy of all living things. I am one small part of something so much bigger and there is comfort in that. This was the lesson I was meant to experience and remember and it was well worth the slow meandering path it took to get here.
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