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Archive for December, 2013

Attachment

I just wanted to let you know…I’m all right.  It’s been so long since I posted I might not know how to put this thing up.  Summer brought lots of kids to my house and September saw me working nearly every day.  November dawned with National Novel Writers where I usually disappear off the grid anyway and then Christmas came, but honestly I don’t think I wasn’t writing because I was so busy, which I was, I think I wasn’t writing because there was nothing really to write about,  no revelations, no inspiring thoughts, just me doing my best to get through the hectic pace of everyday life.  I’m not depressed.  Of course I have moments here and there where the feelings get away from me  but all in all I’m doing pretty good, so far.

It dawned on me fairly recently that I’m in the middle again.  The middle of a lesson that has been going on since about last year and it wasn’t until I realized it is about to come crumbling down sometime around May that I was able to see what the universe was doing.   I started this year working Mondays, I really had no valid reason to say no other than the fact I just didn’t want to.  So I started September being basically the first or second on the list.  I went into school each day with no preconceived notion of where I was going, who I was to be or what I was going to do.  I went into every day with no attachment.  Attachment is a tricky concept.  It seems fairly easy, don’t get attached to anything and you won’t feel bad things when you lose or don’t get what you want, but who wants to go through life unattached?  It’s no so much that we ourselves get attached but the things we unwittingly choose to attach ourselves to, in my case, a job.

One afternoon I sat in the auditorium looking out on the whole of the seventh and eighth grade and started thinking about how I wanted a classroom.  The same old desperate frustration flooded me and I was back deeply entrenched in my depression.  Once I realized this I let go of what I wanted and peace came back to me.  This all happened in a matter of seconds and was probably what made me realize I was in the middle of a lesson.

Now it would be great if I could just go along with all of this right?  Keep going to work, don’t get attached, bring home a paycheck and still write.  Everything would be fine.  My life would be…content,  but here’s the problem, come Spring two teachers are going to make it clear that they are not returning.  Two English teachers.  And I have to apply.  I can’t in good conscience let the opportunity pass and I will probably not get hired for a multitude of reasons, the main one being I don’t have my masters.  I’m not sure I will be able to come back from that.  I’m really not sure I will be able to walk through those doors again, but know I will, only this time with a broken heart and a fairly damaged spirit.

So my peace and lack of attachment are short-lived because soon I will be rolling in the emotions of rejection.  I am trying to put myself on a path that will help ensure my hiring, I want to go back to school.  I need to get recertified, but with the Christmas frenzy my feet are dragging.   Or maybe they’re just dragging anyway.  I don’t know.

Maybe all of this is a plan to make me stronger when I do get rejected.  Maybe this is just a lesson I need to learn before I walk into a new position.  I know I need to not get attached to the job I want, but I’m not sure I will be able to keep myself off the emotional roller coaster that surely will crash and burn when it comes to the end.  I can’t say I have any words of wisdom or peaceful sentiments.  I’m in the middle.  The safe place, the place of nothing,  waiting and learning before the pain and suffering hits and brings with it the real epiphany.  The only difference is that this time I know the exact time my duku (misery, bad feelings) is coming.  How does someone prepare for that?

So I wrap myself in the peace I have right now.  Try to get my butt in gear and do what I need to do to prepare for the spring.  And try not to get attached to things that don’t belong to me.  Easy to say, easy to write, not so easy to follow through.

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