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Archive for August, 2013

Good-bye Mary

I lost someone else.  She lived farther away so my everyday isn’t saturated with her the way it was with my aunt.  I only miss Mary when I make a conscious effort to think about her and usually I avoid pain at all costs, but this morning I took some time to think on her life and oh the lessons she is teaching me.

Mary was my stepmother.  She was kind, caring, and supportive.  She was smart and insatiable when it came to reading.  She was always looking over a cookbook or pouring through a wellness magazine to find better ways to live and eat.  She took me and my family hiking, swimming, cross country skiing and so much more.  She took me to craft shows, bookstores and any little shop that looked interesting.  She explored every part of her world with interest and wonder.  She took my kids when I needed time to myself and gave them back when I needed them beside me.  She sent me notes to cheer me up and gave me anything she felt would help me in my own personal journey.

The last few years of her life were difficult, but she never stopped searching, she never stopped hoping and she never stopped loving those close to her.

Mary spent so much time and energy trying to be the woman she thought she should be that she never stopped long enough to realize how incredible she already was.  And with her death, the upcoming new year, and my new mantra to make everyday worth something I’m coming to realize that I am doing exactly the same thing.

I spend so much time wallowing in what I haven’t done that I’m missing what I have and furthermore, none of it matters.  None of it.  In some of the greatest love stories ever written, the the Twilight series included, the biggest draw was because he loved her just because she existed.  Who he was was drawn to her because she was alive and standing right in front of him.  She needed to do nothing other than love him back.  Which in most fictional novels, she always did.

I am valuable because I exist.  It doesn’t matter if I wrote one book or a hundred, if I have a job or work part time, if I raise one child or many.  God loves me because I exist.  Simple.  I need to recognize that I am amazing.   I need to know, in the center of my being, I am enough.

God made me.  He took the time out of his busy schedule to design and sculpt me.  There are things planted in my soul that are supposed to be there and rather than pull them out or plant around them I need to cultivate them.  I need to be who I was designed to be.  No scratch that, I need to appreciate who I am for no other reason than I exist.  There are things I am and will be called to do and even though I don’t see the value in it, He does.  I was designed for a purpose that I may never see until I am gone so in the meantime I need to appreciate who I am right now, and tomorrow who I am right then.

Life is too short to wish to be something else.  Life is just long enough to appreciate who you are, right now.

Good bye Mary.  Hello to a woman who is whole, content and centered.  Thank you for the lessons, I hope I serve them well.

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Come, Yet Again, Come

Last Sunday I attended church.  I wasn’t teaching.  I wasn’t serving coffee and I wasn’t home sleeping.  I was there, actually listening.  Reverend Michelle was talking about our own little ways to bring God into our lives.  People from the congregation shared their unique ways and it dawned on me, I don’t do that anymore.  I used to.  I used to talk to God all day long, but since my conception of him has gotten bigger my closeness has just sort of faded away and sitting in the pew I realized, maybe my writing is having so much difficulty because I’ve taken Him out of it. 

If I want to accomplish something, if I want to send a message then this needs to be a team effort and I have to trust that whatever the message is it will be the right one.  The bottom line is God needs to be a bigger part of my life and then the doubts set in and I fight mindlessly following and I descend right back down the depression spiral.  If believing and worshiping God helps me to feel better then I need to do it.    I have to stop trying to do everything on my own.  The only one who says life needs to be a solo act is the depression and clearly the depression is not serving me.

So I started my own little thing to bring God back into my life.  I sit outside anyway so while I’m drinking my coffee I recite my favorite line from the bible.  “Be still and know that I am God.”  Yes I’ve used this one before but this time it’s a little different.

Be still and know that I Am God-yeah yeah you’re God, I’m mindless….yah-da yah-da yah-da.

Be still and know that I Am– Know that I Am all you envision.   Know that I am still bigger than what you can imagine.  Know that I exist in the way you believe me to be and more, so much more.  I Am everything.  I  Am.

Be still and know-know everything you are and everything you ever will be. Know that we are a part of each other. Know that you hold the power to accomplish great things.  Know that your life is valuable, has purpose and is precious.

Be still– and hear, and feel and smell the world around you.  Feel how the earth and the birds and the trees and the sky are made up of the same energy and how that energy is the same as you and how that energy is the same as Me.  We are all connected.

Be-Just be.  Just exist.  Be content and happy and let your life follow the path it is meant to.  Leave your guilt, leave your drive, leave your depression and just be.  When you stop fighting you will start living.

This is what I believe, what I’ve always believed.  That God is big, that I am a part of Him as He is a part of me and that we are all connected.  We are all loved.  I forgot that my beliefs started with the foundation of the bible and the church.  I thought I could do it all on my own.  Oh how wrong I was.

It won’t take long to get back to God.  I’m the only one standing in the way now, because God, he’s waiting, with open arms ready to take me back, again and again, a hundred times if necessary, a thousand.  He’s ready to wrap His arms around me, soothe my pain and stand me back up to do it all again.  Because that’s what good fathers do; soothe, strengthen and then send us back out into the world to do what is right, never too far behind to pick us up if we fall or pull out a map if we get lost.  Maybe You could just walk with me a little bit more?  Just a few steps.  Until I get it. 

Come, Come, Whoever You Are

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.

It doesn’t matter.

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times

Come, yet again, come, come.

-Rumi

This is a poem I carried around when I was writing my first book.  I never quiet understood it but something about it called to me.  There was peace mingled with joy, but mostly a pervading forgiveness that I found compelling.  I weaved it into my story never realizing I was weaving it into my own life.  How many times have I left only to come back?  How many more times will I do the same? And yet… “Come, yet again, come.”

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