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Archive for May, 2013

I published “Nothing” because sometimes there is no happy ending.  Sometimes the darkness lasts longer than a day, a week, or a month.  Sometimes you are thrown into a well so dark that all you can do is feel the thorns, weeds and brambles growing in your own soul and do your best to just hold on and sometimes you don’t, hold on that is, sometimes you fall and you disappear.

I wish depression could be classified as illness because then I could go to bed, rest up for a few days and then be done.  At the very least I would have an excuse  as to why I disappear from life for a while, why Girl Scouts is less than it could be, why I don’t get together with friends, why I don’t apply for jobs, why I don’t write.  I can’t.  I can’t do any of it when I’m depressed.  I just move through life feeling my way in the dark, doing what I have to, feed the family, do the laundry, sweep the floor, clean the bathroom, go to church, teach Sunday School, do Girl Scouts, etc.

I think it’s going to break any day now.  I push against it, I rage against it, I let it in, I push it away, I embrace it, I cast it out, I work around it,  I work through it but sometimes nothing works and I just have to let it run its course and drag me along for the ride and stay alive.

I suffer from depression.  Yes, I know you know.  If you’ve read any post on this blog, you know.  If you’ve talked to me in person, you know.  In fact the only one who doesn’t really know, who needs to be reminded, and needs to get with the program…is me.  I want so desperately to NOT suffer from depression that I forget, and then it hits me like a Mac truck and I’m like, oh yeah, that.

Its breaking.  The fact that I’m writing this is a definite indication.  I woke up yesterday and actually felt satisfaction while doing the laundry.  Yeah that’s my tell.  When I feel like I’m accomplishing something by throwing in a load of laundry, I know it’s starting to break.  I actually felt excited about working on “end of the year” cards, something I haven’t felt in a while. The house is a little messier…actually a tell because I’m trying to fit other things into my life.  I think I’m at about a six on the scale, precariously balanced, on the verge of falling, but just above the halfway mark, then again maybe I’m a four.  At any rate I’m moving up.

I know, somewhere past the darkness, beyond the brambles, around the useless and waste of time and space, I am learning.  I am growing.  I am becoming stronger.  I know that I am becoming who I am supposed to be.   I know that I have to be true to myself, or else it will kill me.  I know I have to follow my heart and listen to my soul, it’s this or the darkness.  The thorns have thinned a bit,  the weeds have loosened their grasp and I’m beginning to move forward, with a little less baggage and a little less pain.  I’ve actually had a few bouts of joy bubble up here and there.  It’s amazing what you find when the darkness clears and the sun peeks through the vines.  I’m focusing on the joy.  I’m reaching for the light.  I’m going to be ok.

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