Archive for September, 2013

The Red Leaf

The trees are all green up on my hill.  None that I can see have turned except for a few brown oak leaves.  We have three maybe four maples in our yard the rest are all oaks and birch.  Oak leaves turn brown, birch turn a bright yellow and usually maples turn orange.  As I sat on my deck drinking my morning coffee attempting to pray, I watched as a red leaf fluttered to the ground.  I looked up and scanned the trees there were no other red leaves, no other trees with even a hint of red.

I muddled through my prayer forcing my thoughts to stay on the task at hand and forcing my body to stay put until at least most of my coffee was gone and I wished for another.  Not sure why but I asked God for another red leaf.  For proof.  But proof of what?  He loves me?  I’m on the right track?  He exists?  What was I asking for? 

Maybe I was looking for a red leaf not to fall.  Maybe I was hoping for a reason to give this all up.  To crawl into a closet, curl up into a ball and quit this gig, stop writing, get a job… go on medication.  If God’s not real then there’s no one to answer to and I can give up. 

Now it would be just like Him to refrain from sending me what I asked for on principle alone.  You don’t ask God for proof.  You can ask for signs about things, which I never get, meaning I never really see them, but asking for proof of existence, that’s, well, not allowed. You have to find faith on your own.  It’s a rule, or something.

Another red leaf fell, roughly following the path of the first.  I sat there denying it was truly red.  It was more brown than red.  That it actually fell. I might have just imagined it.  I stood and with coffee in hand went to look for my red leaf.  I saw a number of brown but no red.  Then I caught sight of a bright red leaf, then another, then another.  The ground was covered with Canadian Cinquefoil all just beginning to turn, one leaf at a time.  That’s a message right?  No, that doesn’t count.

No red leaf, see I knew it. 

A few more steps and there it was.  I picked it up and proceeded to come up with all the reasons why it wasn’t a sign, why it wasn’t proof of anything.  It seems I only asked the question to prove to myself how alone I truly am.  That God isn’t really out there.  Why would I set myself up like that?

We can tell ourselves there are reasons not to believe. There is no reason to have faith.  That God is just a made up concept to keep society in line.  Or we can open our hearts and view coincidences as signs, and dreams as messages and we can see truth.  We can know that regardless of the name we call the Energy it has been here long before us.  It has guided humanity through lessons and failures and it is waiting for us to find it and accept its love.  We can let our hearts fill, find our own way to God and believe.

God is here and he knows I’m going through a rough time and he answered me, but sign or no sign it seems it is up to me whether I choose to believe or whether I choose to walk this life alone.

There are still no red leaves to be seen in the trees, but they’re there.  I can feel them and I know that no matter how many times I doubt, turn away or deny Him He will still love me while I find my way.



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