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Archive for September, 2012

The List

Since school started its first full week I feel like my depression is on a default setting.  I wake up depressed; it’s not bad about a 5 on the depression Richter scale.  It’s enough to make me miserable, but not so bad that it can’t be fought.  So I spend each day fighting, bringing up my disposition and by the end of the day I’m feeling pretty good.  Last week I sent out three query’s, met with a friend who is going to help me build a platform, went back to yoga AND I am running every other day.  I go to bed depression free and wake up to find myself back at 5 and have to start the day all over again. 

 Today I went to yoga, did my grocery shopping, ate fairly well, managed to solve my “need to be in four places at once” problem and prepared to run early so I can shower, get the kids off the bus and get my oldest daughter to her senior photo shoot before I have to make a dessert and head to a family dinner.  I change into my running clothes and check my stupid email before I head to the treadmill, (a stupid habit I need to kill) and lo and behold my third official rejection is there to greet me. 

I know rejections are coming.  I know they are part of the process but I feel so miserable about not working full time and it’s so easy to believe I am wasting my time trying to get published.  I save my tantrum for later and hit the treadmill.  I was actually beginning to like running (a little) but today it all comes back to me why I hate it.  I hate this. I can barely do 2 minutes much less the 3 I did on Saturday and the five (!!!) I’m supposed to do today? Forget it!  I gained two pounds yesterday and for the life of me I can’t remember why I am still doing this, any of this.

 I have a friend who runs while watching really bad TV.  She knows someone who runs to really bad music.  This makes perfect sense to me.  Give me anything to distract my mind from how much my legs burn, how bad my knee hurts and that my lungs are about to explode.  What do I listen to for motivation?  Teen music.  Yup teen music; Victorious, Lemonade Mouth, Selena Gomez.  Yes, I am so pathetically sad. 

 So I ran my three minutes, quit half way through my five and ran my last three.  I can’t do this!  I hate this!  ALL OF THIS!  The pain, the feeling of failure, the stupid depression.  I hate all of it. “Breakthrough” by Lemonade Mouth comes on.  Sometimes your dreams feel so far away. Yup it does.  Feels like a string of bad days.  Two weeks actually, thanks for pointing that out.  Don’t give up.  Keep going.  Prove to the world they were wrong.

 These are the messages these songs try to send out to kids.  (Which they would get if the music wasn’t considered so totally un-cool by the kids who need them) This is what I want to tell all those kids who ask me about my book.  I want to hold up a published copy and say, “Look!  I did it!  I didn’t give up and I got published!  Don’t give up your dream!  Work hard and make your dreams come true!”  So I ran.  I ran because I don’t want to give up.  I ran because I need one good thing right now.  I ran because I want to be a published author.  I reached five minutes which may not be a big deal to some, but to someone who didn’t think she’d make even three and a half minutes today, it’s huge! 

 It’s so easy to say forget your dreams, get a job and make some money.  I struggle between holding on and giving up every day.  I guess that’s where my default five is coming from, but this life is what we make it and I would rather give up the “things” in my life than at the end of it sit in a big house regretting what I didn’t hold on to.  I wrote 50,000 words in a month, (25,000 words in three days), and I ran five whole minutes when I really didn’t believe I could.  I just added one more thing to my list.  I’ll take all those little victories and hold them close and one day not only will I add “published author” to the list I will also be able to write “inspired someone else to follow their dream.”  Now that’s a list I will be proud to reflect on while sitting on a small porch of a small house in the winter of my life. 

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Update

Oh, Hello Blog, you’re still here? Summer was insane but wonderful. My computer died and then got resurrected to have my password to my wordpress account tossed out into cyberspace never to be heard from again. Today I managed to finally log in. The house is quiet again. I’m not working everyday-again and it is time to return to my blog. Thank you for sticking around old friend. There are new plans on the horizon.

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