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Archive for July, 2013

Start Counting

My depression has taken on a physical countenance.  The pain rips across my abdomen osculating between pain and nausea.  I know it’s depression because when I think of something I need to do, it gets worse and when I focus on it, really look deeper, it disappears.  Depression comes when you’re not paying attention, when you’re so wrapped up in everyday life that the moment you look away it sneaks past and takes hold and the next thing you know all you can do is think about how much of a failure you are, how much you haven’t done, and how much you will never get done. 

It dawned on me that my days, my year, are a collection of things I haven’t done.  Stories I haven’t written.  Activities I haven’t done with the kids.  Rooms that haven’t been cleaned.  And I realized that I have a choice.  I can choose to have my days filled with things I haven’t done, or I can fill them with things I have.  I made the bed today.  Ok so it’s not much but it is something I have done.  I made a bracelet for a friend yesterday and took the kids to the pond.  And I will force the kids to step away from the video games and make a bird house or something today and even though I am going alone, I will take the kids to Sturbridge Village tomorrow. 

It doesn’t have to be much but if I can force myself to focus on the things I’ve done then I can slowly whittle away at the pain striping across my belly and maybe, eventually, I can do the things I really need to do, like finish my stories, send out queries and go back to school.  This is me still fighting. This is me still working toward a better life.  I think a year of letting depression take over is enough and I am making the choice today that I want my life back.  Life is too short not to make every single day count for something.  It’s time to start counting.

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